It really should be titled: top ten ways to stop bugging me, but since I hold myself in such high regard I consider these 10 things to be universally held truths regarding coolness
1. Don’t talk about yourself.
Nobody gives a shit and if they are enthusiastically nodding along to a story you are telling involving a crazy dream you had last night about you eating baby salamanders they are also desperately trying to make friends and are probably waiting for you to take a breath so they can end the torture. Please stop torturing people.
And no one cares about how many calories/carbs you ate today. Thats the worst
2. Complement something about the other person that for their whole lives they have been made fun of for.
If they think you like something about them that they already have a complex about they will be on cloud 9 thinking “holy shit- this girl has a thing for my flaw- match made in heaven/bffs forever”
- Oh my God you are a GINGER? I love gingers. They are so sexy.
- WHEN did you get adult braces!? They make you look so youthful and fun! They are the next cool thing– I hear Lindsey Lohan has blingin ones
- Wow you are soo short! I bet you would have made an amazing wrestler!? WHAT you were all state- you probs worked those sexy body spandex suits.
But it is really annoying when people give complement for lack of anything better to say.
Also if you are the recipient of any complement- stop deflecting them and just say thank you… no one likes a self-deprecating hot person- Like my grandmother always said- if you got it flaunt it and make no apologies. Stop being insecure Paris Hilton told me that confidence is the sexiest thing a person can wear.
3. Don’t be a debby downer….
Not only will you not make friends you will lose them – If you are having a bad day- suck it up- it isn’t anyone else’s problem/fault that you fucked up that experiment at lab or that you lost a client (whatever makes a bad day in the non-science world) if you have to vent do it in 15 minutes to a close friend over dinner- then do ten jumping jacks take three shots and let the night commence with a big fucking smile on your face. Actually don’t even start with venting- wait for the morning when you are all hung-over any ways and get brunch and have a big bitch fest that everyone can enjoy.
4. Don’t wear a hoodie to the bar.
It looks like you don’t give a damn about yourself or anyone else… and actually you probably don’t but in that case you aren’t reading this anyways.
5. Don’t get so drunk that you can’t remember all your new friends the next day
Ummmm…. No advice on this one- just passing on what I’ve learned from personal experiences.
6. Don’t be a debby downer…
Ok I know I already said this- but it isn’t enough to just stop complaining and frowning- you also have to be able to bring the energy of the group upwards.
Example: If someone is buying a round of shots for everyone- don’t be the ONLY person to say “no no guys this is irresponsible I have work tomorrow”– because what you are really saying is I’m way better than ya’ll and have a life tomorrow you losers; when in reality probably everyone has to get up early for something they just aren’t a dick telling everyone mid excitement- if someone hands you a drink smile and say thank you… if you have to “accidently” dump it under the table or in a nearby pot- that is cool at least you weren’t impolite and didn’t hurt the flow of the night.
For all the self-righteous bastards reading this thinking “wtf I don’t need to be a drunk and go along with the crowd all the time to make friends” shut up because you probably don’t have friends.
7. Don’t go along with the crowd all the time:
Obviously. Cliché statement but be yourself and someone will like you. Even if they like the fake you they would probably like the real you even better because, well, it’s real.
8. Don’t outstay your welcome:
Throw one party at your house and I GUARUNTEE you will know what I am talking about. I, the host of this party who provided you with shelter alcohol refreshments and company for a whole night, would like to go to bed… surprise surprise I’m not falling over drunk or passed out yet and would like to lock my doors before I do so. So stop smoking while arguing over religion/politics/math/your emotional state and get the fuck out my house. HINT: if it is past three thirty AM and there is less than 5 people at the house (usually of the same sex) the party is over.
9. Don’t be the drunk EVERY weekend:
It’s understood that last weekend I got so drunk you had to walk me to my bed to make sure I made it… this weekend it’s your turn. Even further- trade off DDing and places to sleep and who wakes up in the morning to drive everyone to their respective cars/works. No one wants to take care of/ or feel like they are responsible for another person every single time they go out it is fucking lame.
10. Be inclusive:
You aren’t better than anyone so stop acting like it, it’s annoying. And if you are one of those people that are sooo shy they come off rude- just remember that everyone at the party has some level of social anxiety (aka they are feeling as/more awkward than you are feeling) and will welcome someone bringing them into a conversation.
11. This one is added post hoc from my little sister whom I deem exceptionally cool